


Instead

by pieceofmysanversharto



Series: Jukebox [5]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Abuse Elements, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sanvers is endgame, Song fic, sanvers jukebox, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 20:15:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10669983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pieceofmysanversharto/pseuds/pieceofmysanversharto
Summary: Based on the song Instead by Ryan Amador. Here's thejukeboxAU where Alex is dating Maxwell Lord when she meets Maggie.





	Instead

**Author's Note:**

> tw for rape and an abusive relationship

Alex Danvers doesn’t have many friends. Sure she’s got Kara and her group of superfriends, but they’re not really _her_ friends. And sure her boyfriend, Maxwell Lord, has a large circle of acquaintances, but he doesn’t get close to many people. Mostly just Alex. So Alex doesn’t have many friends. 

When she meets Maggie Sawyer she knows things are different. Despite their argument the first time they met, Maggie’s easy to talk to. She listens, makes Alex feel heard. They’re friends. They work on cases together. They grab drinks and play pool at the bar. _They’re friends._ They don’t really talk about their relationships. Alex knows Maggie is gay. After the conversation about the bartender ex they had a brief conversation about it. But it was just that: brief. Alex doesn’t tell Maggie about Max. She’s not sure why. She tells herself it’s just because it never comes up. She’s not sure that’s completely true. 

She doesn’t tell Max about Maggie either. She supposes she wants to keep Maggie to herself. She’s Alex’s friend. Alex doesn’t want her to become Alex _and_ Max’s friend. It’s nice to have something that’s hers. Something she doesn’t have to share with Max. Something she doesn’t have to share with Kara. Everything she had she shared. But Maggie is _hers_. Only hers. They’re _friends_.

So when Maggie is upset over her breakup with her girlfriend, Alex wants to cheer her up. _That’s what friends do, right?_ She’s certainly not expecting what Maggie says next.

“I think I read you wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Alex asked.

“I- I didn’t know you were into girls.” Maggie replied.

“I’m not!” Alex said quickly, trying to clear up whatever Maggie misunderstood. “I’m not gay! I- I have a boyfriend, Max. I’m not- I wasn’t asking you out or something.”

“You have a boyfriend?” Maggie asked.

It was like someone stuck a dagger into her. She hadn’t known if Alex was into girls or not, but she had sure hoped. Alex never mentioned anyone in her life. Not a girlfriend, not a boyfriend. And Maggie made the mistake of letting herself fall for her new friend. Little did Alex know, she was the reason behind Maggie’s latest break up. Her girlfriend could see how Maggie looked at Alex. Maggie used to look at her that way. But not anymore. So that was the end. And now Maggie was realizing that she had fallen for the straight girl. 

“You’ve never mentioned him before.” Maggie continued, keeping her guard up, trying not to let Alex see the hurt in her eyes. 

“Are you sure? I’m sure I’ve mentioned him at some point…” Alex lied. She knew she’d never told Maggie about Max. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. You always change the subject whenever we start talking about your romantic life. I just assumed you were figuring things out and weren’t ready to talk about it yet.”

“No! I’ve got things all figured out. I am very straight, not gay. Nope, not- Max is great! I- uh, I need to get going. I’ll see you later!”

Maggie watched as Alex walked away in what seemed like a panic. She wasn’t convinced that everything Alex said was true. Maybe Alex did still have some things to figure out. Maybe she had them figured out and didn’t want them to be true. Surely someone never mentions their boyfriend if they’re truly happy with them, if they’re truly in love with them.

Maggie saw Alex turn her head as she walked away, and quickly busied herself with looking for the report she had put in her squad car. But she caught a glimpse of the look on Alex’s face. That wasn’t a look of happiness. It was a look of panic. It was a look of gay panic. At least, in Maggie’s experiences, that was what gay panic looked like. And she’d been the reason for more than a few girls’ gay awakenings in college. She’d seen that look before. 

So Maggie didn’t push Alex out of her head or her heart. But she gave Alex some space for a few days, assuming she’d come to her if she wanted to talk. 

_Choose me instead of him. Why do you choose him instead of me?_

\----

Alex headed back to the DEO to get in a work out and clear her head. She quickly changed in the locker room and then headed to the green room. She sparred with a few rookies who were looking to learn from the best, and when she scared them all away she took her emotions out on a heavy bag. She was scared and confused. She didn't want to screw things up with Max because she couldn't keep her emotions in check. She didn't want to find out what he'd do to her if he found out she was having... feelings... for a woman.

Usually working out like this cleared her head. But this time her thoughts wouldn’t stop spinning. 

_What is Maggie to me? Is she just a friend? Is she more than a friend? But what about Max? I can’t be gay… I’m happy with Max. Right? Yes. Max gives me everything. He's a good guy. Well... no, he's not, but what else am I supposed to do. What would he do if he found out? But Maggie’s a friend. She makes me happy. Of course she makes me happy. But her lips look so kissable. Stop. You’re not gay, Alex. You’re not. You can’t be. You’re straight. You’re with Max. Max is your boyfriend and you’re not gay. I think. I don’t know…. What if I am?_

These thoughts spun for days. Night and day it was all she could think about. She laid in bed one night, naked, and next to Max. He had fallen asleep, but Alex was wide awake. Even with his body pressed against her back, his arm draped over her stomach, Alex couldn’t stop thinking.

_See Alex? You’re not gay. You enjoyed what just happened. Sex with Max is good. Or, it’s ok. Or, I guess I don’t really enjoy it that much. Or at all, really. What would sex with Maggie be like? Stop. No. You’re not gay. You can’t be. Even if I am gay, I can’t act on it. I can’t do that to my family. This is the way things have to be. My family is happy. Max is happy. I belong with Max. What we have is perfect. I can’t screw that up. But Maggie…._

\----

Maggie was two shots in when Alex showed up. 

“I heard what happened. You ok?”

Maggie turned her head to see Alex approaching her. 

“I’ve seen some crazy stuff since I joined the science force, but that was, um- that was-” Maggie looked up at Alex. “Wh- what are you doing here?”

Alex leaned against the table. “I was worried about you.”

“Look, I- I’m sorry if I was too forward the other day. That wasn’t my place.”

Alex paused, and then sat down across from Maggie. She took a deep breath.

Maggie hoped that Alex was about to say what she wanted her to say. _You were right, Maggie. I am gay. I dumped my loser boyfriend. I want to be with you, Maggie. I want to kiss you. Can I kiss you?_ Who was Maggie kidding? The chances of Alex saying any of that were slim. 

Alex took another deep breath and started talking. 

“My whole life has been about being perfect. Perfect grades, perfect job, being the perfect sister, taking care of Kara. But the one part of my life that I’d never been able to make perfect was dating. But then I met Max.”

And there goes Maggie’s hope….

“And we started dating, and things were good. He... provides for me, my family likes him, what we have is... perfect, you know, he makes me... happy."

Maggie thought that sounded a little… forced.

“And it’s not that I don’t like you, Maggie. Cause I do. I do _like_ you. But I can’t do that. I can’t be a disappointment to my family. To Max. I have to keep this part of my life perfect. I can’t- I can’t be gay, Maggie. I like you, but I’m with Max. And I’m staying with Max. I love him, right? So I can’t- I can’t love… you, Maggie. What would he- I can’t- I have to go…”

Again, Maggie watched Alex walk away. Away from Maggie. Away from her feelings. Away from the life she could have, if she could just admit to herself that she’s allowed to feel the way she feels. 

“Go…” Maggie mumbled to herself, swirling her last shot around in the glass. “Don’t look back and see if I’m ok… No, go be in love with your stupid boyfriend…”

\----

When Alex got home, she decided it was time to tell Max about Maggie. Not the conversation they just had. No, that would stay between her and Maggie. But she’d tell him about Maggie, the _friend_. 

“Hey babe,” Max said when she came through the door. “Where’ve you been?”

Max was settled into the couch, feet up on the coffee table, engaged in some tv show.

“Oh, I was just out with a friend.” Alex took off her boots and coat, and headed over to the kitchen to grab herself a beer. 

“A friend? Someone I know?”

“No, actually. I met her through work. She’s NCPD. Been helping with some cases. You want a beer, hun?”

“Yeah, I’ll take one. You should invite her over for dinner sometime. I’d love to meet her.”

Alex brought the beers into the living room and sat down next to Max. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder, and leaned over to kiss her. Alex moved her head so he kissed her cheek instead, and tried to shrug out of the grip of his arm. He gripped tighter onto her shoulder, holding her in place. This intimacy didn’t feel right. Not after what she just told Maggie. She didn't want this. Not anymore.

“What’s wrong, Alex?”

“Nothing, I-, nothing’s wrong, Max.” She opened her beer and took a swig. “I’ll invite her over this weekend. That good for you?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” He leaned over to kiss her again. Alex figured she shouldn’t shy away again. She may not want it, but he did. She didn’t want to make him angry. Not again. The bruise on her arm was still healing from the last time she tried to push him away. She didn’t want to cause a scene. So she let the kiss happen. 

Max took the bottle from her hand and put it on the coffee table. He deepened the kiss and laid Alex down on the couch. Alex let him. She let his hands wander over her body. She let his hands remove her clothes. She let him take what he wanted from her, even though she didn't want to give it.

_This is what you want, isn’t it? This is a relationship. You should want this. This is the perfect life you want. You belong with Max._

But still her mind wandered to Maggie. 

\----

Dinner kept getting pushed, because of work, because of Kara, because of _I don’t want to lose Maggie yet_. So eventually Maggie and Max met at the bar instead, when he came with Alex one night, and they hung out there a few times before dinner happened. Max was tired of Alex continually pushing dinner. He wanted to meet this friend. He wanted to remind Alex that she was his. That her friends were his friends.

Maggie hated seeing the way Alex acted around him. It was so clear to her that Alex did not enjoy his affection. It was so clear to her that he was not good enough for her. 

And then Maggie noticed other things. She noticed how Alex flinched every time his arm gestured as he told a story, the fear flickering in her eyes that the hand was aiming for her. She noticed how he held onto her like she belonged to him. She saw a sadness in Alex's eyes. She thought she caught a glimpse of a bruise on her arm when her sleeve rode a little higher than usual. Maggie was worried for her friend.

_And yet you still choose him instead of me…._

\----

Maggie finally came over for dinner on a Saturday night. The three of them enjoyed a nice meal, paired with an expensive wine, and stunted conversation. 

It was awkward for everyone. 

For Maggie, she had to watch the girl she was in love with pretend to be in love with Douchwell Lord. She listened as he didn’t listen to Alex. As he interrupted to make his own comments. How he treated her like he had a right to touch her. How Alex flinched and then tried to relax at his touch. She saw the way Alex looked at her, and then the way she looked at him. One was filled with love, the other with fear. She had to watch Alex choose him, over and over again. He wasn’t good enough for her. _Why won’t she choose me instead?_

For Alex, she had to try and keep her eyes from lingering on Maggie. She had to let Max’s hands linger on her skin with casual touches, even when she didn’t want them. She had to lean in to him when he put his arm around her shoulder, the grip too tight. She had to kiss him back when he leaned over and pecked her lips. She had to convince herself she was in love with Max, not Maggie. _You’re not gay, remember?_

For Max, he had to watch the girl he was in love with make eyes at her new…. _friend_. Of course he was suspicious. It had been the same way every time he’d seen them together. Alex doesn’t look at anyone like that. Not even him. _Alex is mine. What is she doing? What is Alex not telling me?_

\----

Maggie left, and couldn’t stop thinking about all the reasons why Max wasn’t good enough for Alex. There were plenty of reasons that any person in their right mind would dump him. She was pretty sure that he was abusing her, but she didn't have sound proof. She didn't have enough to go over there with her badge and remove Alex from the situation. Not to mention that Alex had pretty much told her she was gay… and that she was ignoring her feelings, pushing them down, claiming they weren’t real, just because she was expected to have this perfect life lined up, and Max fit into that. 

_Choose me, Alex. Why do you still choose him instead of me?_

\----

After Maggie left, Alex and Max cleaned up the dishes in silence. Finally, Max broke the silence as he put the last dish in the dishwasher. 

“What the hell was that, Alex?” He said loudly. 

“Wh- what are you talking about?” Alex muttered. She was scared. Whenever he raised his voice like that, things never ended well.

“What are you talking about?” He imitated. “I’m talking about the eyes you and Maggie were making the entire night! And every other time you two are together! What aren’t you telling me, Alex? What? You want to be with her?”

Max was shouting at her now. Alex had tears welling up in her eyes, and she tried desperately to not let them fall.

“No- Max- I, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I want to be with you! Only you! I- I love you.”

“You love me?” he asked, crossing his arms. “If you love me, then you wouldn’t look at your NCPD _friend_ like that!” Max crossed the room and grabbed Alex’s arm to make her look at him.

“Max! I- I don’t know what you think you saw, but you’re clearly overreacting!” She tried to free herself from his grip.

Max was angry. He slapped Alex across the face. She stumbled as she lost her balance, the tears escaping and rolling down her face. He'd never hit her face before. He always said he liked her face too much, but this was different. Alex tried to run. This felt different than other times he's been angry. She was scared to find out what he was going to do.

“Max-”

“If you love me, then you’d better show me just how much you love me.”

“Max- please- just listen- please…”

Max didn’t listen. He didn’t stop to listen to the begging, to the pleading, to the tears.

Alex fought him with all her will-power and strength and pushed him off of her before he could take what he wanted. She grabbed her purse, her coat, and her keys, and ran out the door.

\----

Maggie was surprised to hear a knock on her door. It was late. She wasn’t expecting anyone. No one had any reason to come by her place this late on a Saturday night. She grabbed her gun off the shelf by the door for good measure and cracked the door open.

“Alex!” she said when she saw Alex standing on the other side, still wearing her dress from dinner, covered by her leather jacket, and tears streaming down her face.

Maggie put the gun back on the shelf, and opened the door to let Alex in.

“I’m sorry, Maggie. I shouldn’t have come here…” 

Alex started to walk away, but Maggie grabbed her arm before she got far. She let go when she saw how Alex winced at the touch. When Alex turned, Maggie saw the bruise forming on her face.

“Alex, no, it’s fine. Come in. What- what happened?” 

Maggie had a suspicion that Max happened, but she needed to hear it from Alex. 

Alex came in and leaned against Maggie’s door. 

“Can I- can I stay here tonight?” Alex asked.

“Uh, yeah, of course. Sit while I grab you something more comfortable to wear.”

Alex slid down the door and sat on the floor while she waited for Maggie to come back. When Maggie returned, Alex took the clothes Maggie offered her and changed in the bathroom. When she came out Maggie had two mugs off hot chocolate sitting on the coffee table, and she was sitting on the couch waiting for Alex to join her.

Alex lowered herself slowly onto the couch, and took the mug in front of her.

“Thank you.” She said, looking over at Maggie.

“Anytime.” Maggie replied. “Are you ok? What happened?”

 _What happened?_ Alex thought. _Max happened. My own stupidity happened. My perfect life blowing up in my face happened….. You happened._

When Alex didn’t speak, Maggie tried again.

“Why are you here, Alex? What happened at home?”

“It was just- it was just an argument, Maggie.” Alex lied. “I just need a place to cool off.” She shrugged as if it was nothing. 

Maggie leaned over and ran her finger across the bruise on Alex’s face.

“That doesn’t look like an argument, Alex.”

She lightly ran her hand across the bruises showing on her arms underneath the t-shirt Maggie had given her.

"And neither do those."

Alex looked down and shook her head slightly. 

“Did Max do that to you?”

"It's my own fault. He gets angry at me. He hits me sometimes... he tried to... to force me into... he told me I'd better show him how much I love him. But it was my own fault, Maggie. I deserved it.”

“No. You don’t get to say that, Alex. No one ever deserves it. When are you going to see that he’s not good enough for you? That he’s no good at all? You need to get out of there, Alex. You can't let him treat you like this.”

Alex got up off the couch and walked away.

“What am I supposed to do, Maggie?” Alex practically shouted. “I can’t just walk away.”

“You can, Alex.”

Maggie watched Alex bring her hand up to cover her face.

“Is- is this because of what I said?” Maggie asked.

“No.” Alex responded immediately. “Yes… I don’t know. I don’t know about anything anymore, Maggie.”

“Do you love him, Alex?”

“No. I want to. I’m trying to. I'm scared of what he'll do if I don't.”

“He’s not good enough for you. I’ve sat on the side and watched you choose him over me, over and over. I've watched you choose him through all this pain he's caused you. When are you going to see that he doesn’t care about you? In all the time I’ve spent with both of you, I can see that he will never care about you like I do. I care about you, Alex…”

Alex collapsed to the floor. Maggie came over and sat on her knees in front of Alex.

“I care about you, and I can see that there’s pain in your eyes, Alex. I can see that you’re struggling. I can see that there’s something trapped inside you.”

“I can’t Maggie… I just- I can’t….”

“Alex…” 

It pained Maggie to watch the girl she had fallen in love fall apart. It pained her to know that she had been the cause of all this. But it also pained her to know that Alex may never have let herself be true to herself if Maggie hadn’t caused it all. That she would have settled for this awful life with Max. 

“Alex. I love you more than he ever could.”

Alex looked up at Maggie.

“I love you, and I care about you, and- please, Alex. Get out of there. Choose me instead.”

“Maggie…. I- I-” Alex braced herself for the words she was about to say. “I love you too, but I can’t- I don’t know what to do Maggie…”

Maggie lifted Alex’s head by her chin and looked into her eyes.

“Alex….” Maggie said, pouring all her love for her into her name. 

Alex looked back into Maggie’s eyes. 

“I- Can I- I want-” Alex gave up on words and surged forward to take Maggie’s lips with her own. 

Alex felt like she was flying. Like she was free. The kiss was slow, and salty from tears, and absolutely perfect. 

Maggie backed away first, needing to make sure that this what what Alex wanted. 

“That’s what it’s supposed to feel like….” Alex whispered.

“Yeah…”

“What am I supposed to do now?”

“Do you want this? Us?”

“More than I ever knew was possible.”

“Than you have to get away from Max.”

“But how? What if he tries to hurt me...?”

“I’ll be there every step of the way. But you need to start by accepting some things about yourself. And then you need to tell him and get out of there.”

“I’m gay.” Alex said. And then she laughed. “I’m gay! I’m really fucking gay!”

“Uh- wow, that was- that was fast.”

“I’ve pushed that thought down for so long. It feels so good to say it out loud.”

They sat on the floor and just smiled at each other for a minute.

“You’ll come with me? When I go to tell him? And help me get my stuff out of his place? I can't go back there alone...”

“Of course. Do you have somewhere to go?”

“Yeah, I still have my old apartment across town. It’s pretty empty, but it’s there.”

“Good… And he won’t find you there?”

“No. He doesn’t know I still have that place.”

Maggie nodded.

“And thank you, Maggie. Thank you for being here to catch me when my entire life fell apart.”

“I’ll always be here, Alex. I meant it when I said I love you.”

“So did I.”

**Author's Note:**

> Is this any good? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
> 
> Send me songs for this series or prompts in general over @piece-of-my-harto on tumblr!


End file.
